Forgetting her "Mai"

It is hard for me, I believe that the world doesn't understand my grief. The calls received are all for Her , most asking her where abouts and when or whether she was comming back. Thankfully after a couple days the calls lessened causing me to assume she had gotten back to them, leaving me in the darkness when it came to her futur plans. Yesterday I heard shuffling infront of the door of my apartment, my heart slowed and I stopped my guitar playing. For what felt like an eternity I held my breath hoping it was Her, comming back to me or getting some of her stuff back at the least. Needless to say I missed her face and seeing and hearing her around would bring warmth unto this glacial place. Not suprisingly it was simply my neighbor Mai , sliding mail under the door along with a gold note. Mai was an odd yet sweet being, often observing me and Her consistently. We caught her with her head behing her apartment door peering out when we were going for a night out downtown. When we did meet Mai in the flesh at the grocers we were surprised to see that she was a tall and average looking person. She carried with her a thick bible sized leather note book as if it were a teething child, helpless out of Mai's arms. The small talk was about to end when I asked " What's in that book of yours? You writing a novel?" I chuckled thinking it was funny. Mai on the other hand who's was always content had turned glum, expression hardening like quick drying cement and she hurried out the store leaving her cart. For a whole season we stopped being studied like animals every time we left our apartment. My worry stricken roommate being the caring person she was decided to bake red velvet cupcakes to wake Mai from what she thought was depression and what I though was death. I stood at the door as I promised, watching as she tried to deliver the batch of treats to Mai's door. Just as she was about to knock Mai had opened it looking down blankly at Her waiting for something to be said. She explained that she was worried since she hadn't seen Mai's "sweet" face around and wanted to cheer her up...
Mai made a sound which could arguably be called a giggle thanking her for the baked goods. To this day Mai's good deeds are still being done , she still offered to do our laundry and brought up our mail nevertheless communicating only through cards slipped under our door. I finally picked up the eccentric note from Mai that looked like a golden ticket and read.
" Dear Sam,
T'is officially the first day of summer! Is not the most exciting part of our year? I couldn't help but to notice that she isn't around anymore and you stopped leaving the apartment for quite sometime. Hope things work out .
Love,
Mai ."

At least I was not the only one thinking of her, which was greatly comforting. She leaves an impression, anyone would have a hard time forgetting her.

Forgetting her "Light her lighter"

As her hair swallowed her face sexily  and the cigarette dangled from those lips , her light sentimental voice spoke
"Sam you wanna know what I saw the other day?" classic introduction to her list and  claims  of what she needed.
 A method that often worked.
To name a few of her triumphs.
She wanted to move in together; she got it.
She wanted a goldfish; we got one.
She wanted; designer shoes, limited edition scarves, renovations and parties , she got them.
She was like a child you had to pay to love you. But what happened when you went broke ?
 I was scared that if I did not feed her  unesesary and incredulously expensive "needs" she would leave...and I suppose she did.Didn't she?


That's not why she left...


I play with her lighter before drifting difficultly into slumber. 
It helps.
Feeling the warmth of the steel in my palm.
Imitating The way she flicked it on and The stare she gave to me when it was lit.


That lighter had many uses.
It had lit her cigarettes, candles during our many black outs and spirit summoning ceremonies.
It also made us toast on those boring and adventurous days.


None the less ,when I was gone that same lighter helped her heat the knife before harming herself, and that week she also attempted to put my clothes on fire for revenge and ended  ruining half our apartment.


Why is it that every time I left her I ended up suffering for it and when she leaves their are no consequences.
I wish this lighter reveal all the answers  to me...
For one


Is


She 


Coming

B A C K ?


I'm having a hard time Forgetting her.

Forgetting her

She races across our bedroom full of anger. If I told you that I didn't understand, that would be the understatement of the year, if not a life time. But she's a female. Yes before you remind me "So am" but I don't believe I show as much.
What am I supposed to do?


She came home. Her long curls of brown hair that were tamed in a high bun were over her shoulders and covering he face. Her blouse slightly undone and bra showing and the small hole in her tights had grown twice it's size.
"What happened ?"
I asked but only after observing that she must have given up on what was supposed to be a fulfilling diet,  by  eating the waffles I made for lunch. 
"Nothing happened" she said.
Stupid me I didn't not analyze it further, instead she sat beside me on the couch and I told her what about what I wrote as if she ever remembered .She still  smiled and told me it was beautiful and that no one was like me.
All went according to routine till a couple minutes ago when she got the phone call.
By "the" I mean a phone call since I don't know who it was from or even the subject that was hushly discussed, but the second after she started packing and grabbing her most essential things.
 I get out of bed and go to the bathroom.She's now removing her makeup, something she'd  never let me witness normally. Her outfit was simple; white v-neck and shorts. Her looks resembling  Pamela love very much this instant. She meets my eyes in the mirror as I watch her unveil her face. 
" I can't do this anymore... It's not you-"She started saying, crying.
"It's not you it's me...is that what you were gonna say? Where are you going?most importantly,why?" I ask.
I hear an angry voice that is supposedly mine, Now my ears  are triying to fuck with me?I guess my heart couldn't do all the work.
No matter that my heart is skipping beats right now and my brain is mangled from the effort waisted on comprehension of all this she doesn't answer my question.Instead walks over to the corner where her pile of necessities she is going to leave with.
I guess she   leaving most of her things.
Naive me takes this as a sign that she will be back.
Self absorbed me thinks she didn't want to bring anything that reminded her of me because she loved me to much. 


The real me  cried herself into  the deepest sleep after she left but not before yelling at her and begging for her to stay...


This is a story about 
F
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Her...




Message from Tray: I don't know...I guess it's a personnel diary of someone trying to forget  her roommate? Yes I did right it so I should know but none of the stories are finished. Please comment :)